If Only
by beckettxwine
Summary: "The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder, if only." So she wakes him up, and she stops wondering. Based on the ending of 3x22. One-shot.


_Disclaimer: I own nothing!_

"And now's for the hard part kid. It's clear that you and Castle have something real, and you're fighting it. But trust me; putting your job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder, if only."

Kate glanced to her left at the sleeping man beside her and folded the letter from Mike. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the time to tell him. To let Josh go and to finally face what she's been thinking for months now. No. Not maybe. This was the time.

Kate placed the note into her back pocket and turned again to face Castle. Tapping his shoulder, she whispered his name and watched as he stirred, but didn't move.

"Castle," She tried once again, this time shoving him lightly.

"Mm, what?" He turned to her and rubbed a hand down his face, cracking his neck.

"I – I'm with Josh. I'm in a relationship with Josh." She said it almost like word vomit. It just came out, without her consent. Noticing Castle's face go dark she opened and closed her mouth. "That's not what I meant. I'm in a relationship with Josh and that means it would be wrong to be in a relationship with someone else. And I know that. And I would never cheat because that's just wrong but that's not what I'm doing and I don't –"

"Kate," Castle cut her off. She sat straighter in her seat and looked down slowly. "Just spit it out." So Kate took a deep breath, and spit it out.

"This," she gestured between the two of them, "isn't friendship. And it isn't being partners at work. And it's not friends with benefits. And this sure as hell isn't just some flimsy relationship that's going to last for a year and take a horrible turn for the worst. This is a whole hell of a lot more than that. And I almost want to smack myself for waiting up until now to realize it."

"Kate, I –"

"No," Kate held up a finger and shook her head, "let me finish. I'm sick of waiting for something miraculous to happen, because what I'm waiting for, is sitting right in front of me. I know that I'm not whole. I know that this is hard for both of us, especially me, but I want you to just bear with me. I have this block in front of me. In front of my heart, a wall, I guess. The wall is my mother's case. And it's been there for who knows how long, probably since she was killed, but God, Rick, when you discovered it you just ran at it head first. And now I think –"

"Would you like another pillow?" Beckett and Castle both looked up at the woman who was apparently speaking to Castle. She was young, probably not even thirty, and was wearing a busty stewardess jacket. She smiled at him and reached to put her hand on his shoulder, but was cut off by Beckett.

"Uh, no thank you, but could I have another cup of orange juice? And maybe an extra piece of toast," Beckett rested a hand on her belly and smiled widely. "Gotta keep the baby healthy, right?" She looked to Castle, whose mouth was wide open, his eyebrows almost reaching his hair.

"Of course, miss." The stewardess replied, walking away with a blush creeping onto her face.

"I – Katherine Beckett!" Castle fully turned in his seat, letting the pillow that was resting on the side of it hit the floor.

"It's not important, now she won't interrupt me again. So, anyway, to spit it out, I'm sick of being friends. I'm sick of being work partners. Rick, I want to know what it's like to wake up in the morning and not be ashamed to feel how I feel about you because I'm with Josh. I want to be able to smile at you and not feel like if I stare too long you'll know I have feelings for you. Because I do. I have feelings for you and I'm sick of sitting here and not acting on them, wall be damned."

"Can I say something now?" Castle put a hand over his mouth and crossed his ankles.

"Yes. Please do." Beckett said, clasping her hands together and started to pick her nails.

"You sound like a fifteen year old girl." Beckett lifted her head and watched as the grin on Castle's face widened and he let out a bark of laughter.

"Really, Castle? That's all you got out of that?" She rolls her eyes and sits patiently as he composes himself.

"I'm sorry, really, I am." He stops and leans forward in his seat, as much as his seatbelt will let him until his upper body leans on the arm rest. "Kate, I've wanted to know what that felt like since you put me into cuffs on the first day we met. I'm just waiting for you. I don't want to go into a relationship based off another one." She knew he was hinting at Josh and she nodded, because they both knew her relationship with Josh was nothing. Sure, Beckett had feelings for him in the beginning, but she wouldn't give half of what she would for Castle, for Josh.

"I don't either." She mumbled, looking back up at him.

"Kate, I can't do this if you're not going to at least give me the effort."

"You know me, Castle. You know how I am in relationships and you know how hard they are for me. But you mean so much more than what my relationship with those men did. And I am going to try, so hard. For you. For this. For us. Because I'm sick of waiting and wondering what's going to happen if we don't do this now."

For a man who had a way with words, Castle was speechless. He leaned forward and cupped her cheeks, leaning his forehead against hers. Kate let her hands wrap around his wrists and she closed her eyes against the cold breath that was floating against her own lips.

"I want to kiss you, Kate." And she smiled. Because so did she.

"I can't end a relationship over the phone, Rick. You know how that sounds."

"I'm not asking you to," he replied, kissing her forehead and pulling back to his own seat. He smiled when he noticed the small flicker of want on Kate's face. She sighed and leaned back, letting her head fall against the back of the seat, turning her head to face him.

"I mean it, Rick. This is my all or nothing. My one and done." Castle smiled and reached for her hand, linking their pinkies together.

"Here's your toast, ma'am." Beckett bit her lip, trying to stifle the laugh that was threatening to come out. The stewardess was leaning as far away as possible from Castle, and reaching only a few inches inward toward Beckett.

"Thank you." Beckett reached forward and couldn't help but laugh when the stewardess scurried away the second the plate was in Beckett's hands.

"So, why the fake pregnancy?" Castle asked, grabbing a piece of the toast.

"Free toast." She shrugged and smiled. "Pregnancy works every time. For the toast and for the guy she's trying to flirt with."

"Wow, doing nice things for me, eh Beckett? You're already changing!" Castle laughed as he readjusted his pillow on his seat.

"Yeah, well, don't get used to it." And a few seconds before Castle was fallen into a deep sleep, Kate tossed a piece of toast at him, causing him to yelp and whip his hands around at whatever just attacked him. "I told you not to get used to it!" She laughed, almost doubled over in her seat.

Castle straightened his shirt and stuck his tongue out at her, picking up his pillow (for the second time).

Later, when the two of them were asleep, facing each other, their hands reached out to find each other. When the two of them woke up hand in hand, Castle didn't mention it. Not getting off the plane. Not in the car. Not even when he got out of her car and kissed her on the cheek.

And when Kate got home later that night, changing out of her jeans and into sweat pants, she pulled the letter out of her pocket. She smiled and placed it into her bedside table, next to her phone, gun, watch and necklace. She even fell asleep smiling that night, thanking Mike that she really was done wondering 'if only.'

_A/N: Welp. I didn't really like how the ending turned up. I actually didn't like how any of this turned out. *shrugs* It's one in the morning and I started writing this at 12:30, give me a break! I saw the gifs on my dash the other day and was inspired to write this. I hope you like it!_


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